You-Know-Who went to the MTC yesterday. I was going to write him a message yesterday, but I figured I'd give it a week. No need to act TOO much like myself.
In a conversation that began with my excited epiphany "OHOHOH! D'you want me to write you a Dear John letter written in iambic pentameter?" I have drafted an entire list of Dear John letters that I will be writing him.
- Haiku
- Tagolog (Language from the Philipines that he requested specifically)
- Hebrew
- From the point of view (POV) of a polygamist, who affectionately refers to the compound as "the harem."
- Amish. Include spelling errors
- A "prophetess" named Debbie who continues to have visions of his imminent demise.
- A girl from da 'hood; must use the phrase "my baby daddy" at least once.
- Trailer Park trash named Rachel, demanding more children and child support
- Spoiled rich girl
- A kidnapped girl in Oklahoma suffering from Stockholm Syndrome
- A Pentecostal minister's daughter. Include anti-Mormon accusations and "speaking in tongues"
- A feminist (lesbian?) from New York. I wish I could include pictures--it would make everything SO much more realistic.
- Crazy Asian Lady (inside joke)
- A homicidal ex-girlfriend from New Jersey with mafia connections
- A Rastafarian
- His sister; include experiences he missed out on by not having a sister, like when she gets her period for the first time.
- An objectified woman; must include the phrase "Jesus hung out with prostitutes too"
- A circus woman (a contortionist?)
- His brother's girlfriend
- His 4 year old sister (for emergencies only)
- A neo-Nazi
If you have any other ideas, be sure to pass them my way :)
2 comments:
Oh, my. You're a little crazy, you know? Crazy. The Dear John letters I considered sending to my brother were just as various girls... not as various nutcases.
Oh, and too bad you can't send a ring, saying you're returning it to the fires of Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed. Two little hobbits venturing into the dangers of Mordor... It just wouldn't really work... or make sense... and I still find this amusing.
I should forward you the email I sent him. It's hilarious! And the best part is, I have no idea if that one was one of my pretend nutcases or not!
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